How do I charge a completely dead Apple iPod?

Hmmm.... I don't know what you mean by the "dead guy thing", but I would encourage you to start by reading Apple's helpful article on Charging your iPod battery. Indeed, Apple also has an article where they show all the iPod charging icons: none of 'em look like a dead guy to me. :-)

What you really need to read, however, is this article: iPod's battery doesn't charge. Of course, it does end with the phrase "If this did not resolve the issue then your iPod needs to be repaired."

If you can't get your iPod to work after reading all that information from Apple, then I would recommend you take your iPod into a local Apple Store if there's one close. You can use Apple's Retail Store Locator to find one. Start by just showing it to a clerk, but they'll probably recommend you queue up for the Genius Bar. That can be a long, long wait, so you might want to read my avoiding long waits at the Apple Genius Bar first.

Finally, if you do need to replace the battery, there are a number of third-party solutions out there. On one of my old iPod units, I took it into my local Mac repair shop (MacShack) and they popped the unit open and swapped out the battery on the spot. Total cost, about $45.

I don't have first hand experience with them, but Small Dog Electronics has been around the Mac community for years and they have replacement batteries for less than $20, and MacResQ's subsidiary business iPodResQ can do all the work for you, doubtless for less than Apple charges.

I hope that helps you out. Please do come back and let us know how you fared trying to fix your iPod!